THE FOUR QUESTIONS

Just then BARBRA STREISAND stands up:

 

BARBRA STREISAND

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, to, interrupt. But...I feel like I really need to say something. If I didn’t, I just couldn’t live with myself. I feel like some things, need to be said. Or, I wouldn't, I wouldn’t be being true to my roots, to my family, how I was raised, and what I try to teach the next generations.

I guess I’m saying I have some questions.

 

RICK RUBIN

Is it four questions by any chance? Would be great to stick to the custom of four questions if possible?

 

BARBRA STREISAND

What? Really, Rick?

 

She looks at Ye.

 

BARBRA STREISAND

I know, we’re supposed to, you know, be more,  forgiving, of mental health issues, in, um, this day & age, but, in my generation, it wasn’t, you know, like, a free pass, to, I don’t know, if you have a public platform, bring out the worst in, some, um, very also, um, sick, people, is that, is that OK to say?

 

Everyone looks at Ye, he looks maybe a bit ashamed

 

RICK RUBIN

I think we actually can use The Four Questions to answer that question, Barbra! Tonight we ask: Why is this night different from all other nights? 1. On all other nights we can eat both Hametz and Matzah, but on this night, only Matzah. 2. On all other nights we eat other vegetables, but on this night, only bitter Maror. 3. On all other nights we don’t dip our vegetables into saltwater (Karpas) even once, but on this night, we do so twice. 4. On all other nights we eat sitting or reclining, but on this night, only reclining.

 

BARBRA STREISAND

What does this have to do with what I just asked?

 

RICK RUBIN

Going back to Michael L. Kagan’s teachings, the first question about Hametz versus Matzo helps us recognize that we are sometimes trapped as a slave to our Ego (Hametz) and its instinctual demands.

 

BARBRA STREISAND

Instinctual demands, huh, that’s what we’re calling this, you know, mentally ill, um, behavior now?

 

RICK RUBIN

The second question about Maror, instructs us to be willing to face the bitter truth (Maror) about ourselves. Of who we are and how we live our lives and our lies. And to practice telling our truth.

 

BARBRA STREISAND

So, as long as, um, mentally ill artists, keep singing about their mistakes, they can keep making them? Even if they really affect others?

 

RICK RUBIN

In the 3rd question about Karpas, we’d hope next we would step into the layers of pain that surround & perhaps produce that behavior & be willing to let the tears of that suffering flow (Karpas). So that the inner bitterness can be miraculously transformed by the sweetness of love & forgiveness (Maror dipped into Charoset). With reclining we let our over-judgmental selves rest. Release attachment to preconceptions & practice acts of loving-kindness, not judging our selves or others.

 

Streisand looks at Ye who, might just be, maybe… Ye looks at Streisand who, might just be, maybe…

 

BARBRA STREISAND

Does anyone mind accompanying me on something? I’d ask Stephen Sondheim but…Maybe the angels can send him & some clowns in?

 

Billy Joel nods, starts to play on the piano:

 

“Send in the Clowns”

 

BARBRA STREISAND

Isn't it rich? Aren’t we all a pair?

You there on the ground, Me superior, in the air

Where are the clowns?

 Isn't it bliss? When we don’t approve?

We tear others down, Nothing for us to lose

Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns

 

Ye motions to Barbra if he can sing too. She nods.

 

YE

I assumed on me no one’d ever close the doors

So I attacked anyone including you & yours

In my usual flair

Sometimes my lines 

I forget someone else is there

Myself I usually make farce

But recently my faults, I fear

Is too much condemning others not enough love

Sorry, my dear

 

EVERYONE

But where are the clowns? Send in the clowns

 

YE

What a surprise... What a cliche…

Losing my timing…This late in my career?

 

BARBRA STREISAND

Isn’t it queer? Me, too, I hear

As times go by, So do ours dear

 

EVERYONE

But where are the clowns? Quick send in the clowns

 

YE & STREISAND

Don’t bother, they’re already here

 

KYRIE IRVING

Barb, I think you were a bit out of key there…

(off her look)

Nah! Just clownin’ you there!

W.A.P.

(Wet-Ass Pharaoh)

 

(There’s some Jews in this house)

(Three’s some Jews in this house)

(There’s some Jews in this house)

(There’s some Jews in this house)

 

Said G-d’s got technique

Full of mystique

Wet-ass Pharaoh

God’s Red Sea game on fleak

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, G-d made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh

Bring a bucket and a mop for this Wet-Ass Pharaoh

Gave us what we want, made a Wet-Ass Pharaoh

Beat their idols, judgments charged

Extra-large and extra-hard

Put this Pharaoh in his place

Smote their firstborn made them die-hard

No need to top, would’ve sufficed

But G-d copped their wealth, how fine

Split the sea, made it rise

This Pharaoh got wet, took a dive

Dry-land, again would have sufficed

We just say, G-d, dayenu

But. G-d. Drowned. Our. Oppressors.

And we again say that sufficed!

In the desert, like a dream

For forty years, what a scene

We don't cook, we don't clean

But let me tell you how we got this manna

 

Gobble it, swallow it, off the ground

Quick, eat it up ‘fore there’s no more of it

G-d tells us about Shabbat, would’ve been enough

G-d gives us Mount Sinai, would’ve been enough

We read God’s Torah, read it well

Ask for more we wouldn’t dare

But we really ain't never gotta ask G-d for a thang

G-d already made mind up 'to give us Israel

 

We got our Temple and our promised land

Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh

G-d took care of us, Dayenu

Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh

Said, G-d took care of us, Dayenu

Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh

That’s right, G-d took care of us, Dayenu

Made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh

Here's to the Jews that we got

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of the Passover we’ve been through

Toast to the Jews here today

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

There's a time that I remember, when the Jews knew lots of pain

When they were slaves forever, and thought everything would stay the same

In our hearts we must remember, what our people once became

They probably couldn’t even imagine, they'd become free one day, yeah

Every Jews hurt sometimes

Every Jews hurt someday, aye aye

But everything gon' be alright

Go and raise the 2nd cup and say, aye

Here's to the Jews that we got

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of the Passover we’ve been through

Toast to the Jews here today

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew 

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

There's a time we must remember, when the Jews never felt so lost

When we felt the Pharaoh’s hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)

But God made Moses a leader, and he lighted up the dark

God carries the weight for us that you know He'll never drop, yeah

Every Jew hurts sometimes

Every Jew hurts someday, aye aye

But everything gon' be alright

Go and raise the 2nd Cup and say, aye

Here's to the Jews that we got (oh oh)

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of everything the Jews have been through (no, no)

Toast to the Jews here today (aye)

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories (aye)

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew (ooh, yeah)

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

Now do we eat? I’m starving.

KRAMER
Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?

George's love interest Yael replies:

YAEL

I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.

YAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE. 

YAEL

Mmm.

YAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.

GEORGE

Mmm.

YAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.

GEORGE

Mmmmmmm.

YAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.

YAEL

What are you doing?

GEORGE

What?

YAEL

You just double dipped the Karpas?

GEORGE

Excuse me?

YAEL

You dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.

GEORGE

So?

George's Father, Frank, yells at him:

FRANK

It’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!

GEORGE

I didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?

YAEL

There’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.

George's mother criticizes him:

ESTELLE

Who raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that. 

FRANK

I’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.

GEORGE

Can we just say the prayer already?!

EVERYONE:

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.

Praised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.

adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

JOE BIDEN LEADS THE MAGID (AND NO ONE INTERRUPTS)

JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story. 

It’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter. 

In Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.” 

In the past, I didn’t think it was possible that I could be President with my stutter. But I would think back to my mother who would tell me, "Joey, don't let this define you. Joey, remember who you are. Joey, you can do it.” 

So every time I would walk out, she would reinforce me. I know that sounds silly, but it really matters. 

Anyway, sometimes during the debates with You Know Who, I didn’t know if I could get a word out, or even a word in, and I thought I might lose the Presidency because of it,  but G-d helped Moses and G-d helped me, too.

G-d helped all of us, I should say.

Because You Know Who was more than a bit like Pharaoh. 

He just wouldn’t let his office go. 

Let it go, we said, let your office go. 

But he wouldn’t let his office go. 

DONALD TRUMP: AND I STILL WON’T!

JOE BIDEN: Who let you in here, Donald?!

DONALD TRUMP: McConnell did.

KAMALA HARRIS: Mitch?! What did you do that for? We were all trying to get along and mend bridges!

MITCH MCCONNELL: He said he was going to start a new party if I didn’t. You know how I am. It’s all about self-interest!

JOE BIDEN:  What do you want, man?

DONALD TRUMP: I want to rewrite the Exodus story my way. This time the Pharaoh stays in control. 

NANCY PELOSI: That’s not what happened. And it’s not what’s happening here either. You can forget it.

DONALD TRUMP: Who’s going to stop me?

MOSES: I will.

MICHELLE OBAMA: And I will.

ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: Me, too.

OPRAH: Count me in.

AMANDA GORMAN: I may be small, but you don’t intimidate me.

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON: And don’t even try me.

KANYE WEST: Even I’ve had enough.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Same.

EVERYONE: You get out of here, too, Zuck!

JOE BIDEN: No, everyone stays. Donald, no matter how much we dislike you, and what you’ve done, you are part of our country and our story.

GEORGE SOROS: Are you sure you don’t want me to get out the Jewish Space Laser and zap him out of existence? 

JOE BIDEN: No, he stays. Even the Simple One is welcome. And that’s not a joke.

DONALD TRUMP: So you’re saying, I can still be President?

JOE BIDEN: No, man. But you can stay for the meal. Is that a fair deal?

DONALD TRUMP:  Deal.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: What about me?

JOE BIDEN: You can stay, too. But we might need to regulate you like a lot more.

Now let’s do the plagues paired with my executive orders.

DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, but also rejoining the Paris Agreement on climate change.

TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, but also ending the Muslim country entry ban.

KINIM, infecting them with lice, but also requiring people to wear masks on federal property.

DONALD TRUMP: These sound like double the plagues.

JOE BIDEN:  Would you shut up, man!

DONALD TRUMP: Yeah, sure, it might be nice to not talk so much. I’m working on that in therapy. It’s weird, I guess, like, I have some problems. Who knew?!

EVERYONE: EVERYONE!!!

 JOE BIDEN: AROV, sending wild beasts at them, but also examining racial profiling and changing how police enforce laws. 

DEVER, diseasing their livestock, but also coordinating a federal COVID response with vaccines for all. 

SH’HIN, giving them boils, but also banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation in all spheres including the military.

BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, but also stopping the construction of the Keystone oil pipeline and focusing on clean and green energy.

ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, but also pausing student loan payments and considering a reduction in the principal.

HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, but also stopping any further wall construction and supporting DACA.

MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, but also making peace between the Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. 

How about that?

EVERYONE: Love it!